Multiple personalities, gender confusion, what?!


Question: Multiple personalities, gender confusion, what.?
Okay, this is something that I've wanted to talk about for a long time and get some answers on, serious answers. I brought it up once with a counselor, when I was being treated for depression, and all of a sudden I was being tested for bipolar disorder and being diagnosed with absurd addictions to random things.

Anyway. I've had this thing for as long as I can remember where when I close my eyes and picture myself in my head, I always see a young man. This is weird for the reason that I'm a girl, very much a girl. I don't think of myself as guy trapped in a woman's body and I would never consider going through the motions of becoming a man.

This got really strong when I started using the internet. My mom had scared me with stories about net pedos, so I created an alias for myself -- the young man I see in my head when I close my eyes.

I played him on the internet for four years, and ended up creating a life and personality for him all my own. When I was on the computer, I really felt like I WAS him. as I started to fall into depression, so did he, or maybe it was because of him that I became that way. He was more rash than I was, more violent, and prone to hurting himself. He never did because I never did, but every time he spoke of the pain he felt in his chest, the depression, I would feel it to and want to hurt myself. I never could, too afraid of pain, or I would stop myself when I realize how stupid I was being.

Sometimes I feel like he's still inside me somewhere, waiting to come out again, even though I've stopped playing him on the internet and he no longer comes out to play. Sometimes I see him in my dreams, and I still see him when I close my eyes and picture myself.

I don't know what this would be called.

Multiple personalities.? He never really takes over, and the only time he felt separate from me was online all those years ago.

Gender confusion.? No, I don't think so. I mean, I feel like a girl. I've never thought of myself as a guy.

Something else.?

I just don't know, but I would really like some guidance about this. I'm worried that it might Developeo something more intense or dangerous. If it's something that might pop up and take me down later in my life.

Additional information:

I'm 19 years old and a female. I'm now medicated for my depression and things are looking bright. I take Lexapro, but this all happened before I started to take it and persists, so it isn't a side effect of the medication.

My father is bipolar and my brother has asbergers, so I don't know if it could be genetic or something.

There is no history of schizophrenia in my family that I know of.Health Question & Answer


Answers:
My opinion - if your internal idea of yourself is as a male - then it would mean that you have strong personality traits that you associate with males, rather than very feminine personality traits. That isn't to say personality traits are specific to males or females, just that as a society we tend to label some traits as masculine and some as feminine.
So if your perception of yourself doesn't match up to what you think society is telling you that you should be then your brain will create an internal image of yourself that does match.

In summary - internal representation of yourself - gender is irrelevant - it's just a manifestation of how you perceive your behavior in society..

In the case of you on-line avatar - again gender is irrelevant. That this character took on such a vivid life is, I think, more about what you were going through at the time. Because this character was in a "safe place" you could try out things (feelings, thoughts) and experience things which you couldn't in your real life. So it was through "playing" this character that you were able to finally externalise the expression of your depression and start getting better.
As you say, you were always in control and neither your on-line avatar nor your real-life self where ever self-harming - so I think it was all quite healthy - although I can understand concerning for you and confusing for health professionals.

I'm glad you are getting treatment for the depression now, it will allow your thinking processes to function properly so that you can move to the next stage of healthy life.

From what you've written, I don't see any obvious asperger's symptoms. Bipolar is alternating depression/mania - so that could have given you a genetic predisposition to your depression.
Schizophrenia is different from multiple personality disorder (common misconception). True MPD is quite rare.

I think some research on feminist theory might help - particularly from the beginnings of the movement. ie anything from people who are talking about the different ways males and females are treated in society. This is about equality, not radical feminism - about how women are equals of men and so personality traits are not gender-specific.Health Question & Answer

It's not MPD or schizophrenia or gender confusion. I think you made up someone who could express the things you can't express. "He" gets to be rash and violent. You feel pain, but you feel like you can't express it as yourself. Maybe you were brought up to believe that girls don't do that. So as a guy you get to be violent.

BTW, there are pedophiles on the net who go after boys, so the fake personality really wasn't protecting you.

When you come to terms with being you and feeling what you feel, this will fade away.Health Question & Answer

It reminds me of the movie: A beautiful mind

Sorry I am not really helpful here.Health Question & Answer

i would say live the best life you can but don't have kids.Health Question & Answer

....got to watch out for those gals posing as young boys online....wowHealth Question & Answer

You should not think so much and imagine things. It is just something which you created yourself. The more you do it, the more so-called personality will be created. What the counsellor trying to do is just relaxing your mind. If this goes on, it will affect your life ultimately.Health Question & Answer



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