How should I deal with my mother? How should I deal with myself?!
Question: How should I deal with my mother.? How should I deal with myself.?
I realize I am just one of many people who have problems dealing with their past and being diagnosed with a mental illness. My story is rather long and I apologize in advance if I come across in anyway as someone who is complaining. I do not mean to take on that tone.
My father died when I was 5 years old and I was raised in a less than desirable household where a lot of pain and grief was never dealt with. I have a younger sister that my mother clearly favored as we were growing up. I have also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. There are other family members on my mother's side of the family who also have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder I experience frequent and severe bouts with depression, rather than normal moods or mania. I have also been on medication for many years. I am difficult to treat since I've had to try several combination's of medications and my doctor and I are still trying to get the meds right.
About 15 years ago when I was 21, I moved 1500 miles away from where I grew up and have made a home for myself here. My life has not been easy and I do not have many friends since it is a struggle for me to maintain good relationships with others. I try to help myself the best way I know how. I have kept in touch with my mother, although our relationship has been rocky throughout the years. I do not keep in touch with my sister. In fact she and I have not spoken or have seen each other in 12 years. My sister and I are very different people and do not see eye-to-eye on anything.
About four years ago, my mother and I had an argument that resulted in her telling me that she did not want to talk to me anymore. I was devastated and I saw this as the ultimate form of rejection. And of course if you are already dealing with a mental illness, the conversation I had with my mother was a huge trigger for me. I lost control of myself by allowing the overwhelming conversation with my mother consume me, which resulted in a suicide attempt by an overdose of medication. My doctor advised me to apply for social security disability and I did qualify, so now I am collecting disability benefits.
Since the argument with my mother, the suicide attempt and now collecting disability benefits, I feel like even though I am still physically here, something inside of me has died. I have always been able to hold down a full time job to support myself. I now feel like a complete and utter failure having to rely on a government paycheck for being mentally ill. I do not seem to enjoy anything in life anymore and it feels as though I am completely numb. I actually don't know the person I have become because I have allowed myself to be defined by what has happened me.
My mother and I have spoken since our argument, but she continues to be very verbally abusive. I always hang up the phone feeling horrible and worthless. I have decided that it is in my best interest to be completely estranged from my mother and I have not seen or spoken with my sister for 12 years.
I feel so very sad and lonely all the time. This has affected the very core of who I am. I cannot seem to come to terms with what has happened so that I can move forward with my life. I have tried counseling, but have not found a counselor that I am compatible with and it is rather expensive.
Any suggestions of how are where to find help would be appreciated. I would like to start feeling better and find myself again. And, possibly go back to work part-time.
Thank you so much for your answers in advance!!Health Question & Answer
My father died when I was 5 years old and I was raised in a less than desirable household where a lot of pain and grief was never dealt with. I have a younger sister that my mother clearly favored as we were growing up. I have also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. There are other family members on my mother's side of the family who also have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder I experience frequent and severe bouts with depression, rather than normal moods or mania. I have also been on medication for many years. I am difficult to treat since I've had to try several combination's of medications and my doctor and I are still trying to get the meds right.
About 15 years ago when I was 21, I moved 1500 miles away from where I grew up and have made a home for myself here. My life has not been easy and I do not have many friends since it is a struggle for me to maintain good relationships with others. I try to help myself the best way I know how. I have kept in touch with my mother, although our relationship has been rocky throughout the years. I do not keep in touch with my sister. In fact she and I have not spoken or have seen each other in 12 years. My sister and I are very different people and do not see eye-to-eye on anything.
About four years ago, my mother and I had an argument that resulted in her telling me that she did not want to talk to me anymore. I was devastated and I saw this as the ultimate form of rejection. And of course if you are already dealing with a mental illness, the conversation I had with my mother was a huge trigger for me. I lost control of myself by allowing the overwhelming conversation with my mother consume me, which resulted in a suicide attempt by an overdose of medication. My doctor advised me to apply for social security disability and I did qualify, so now I am collecting disability benefits.
Since the argument with my mother, the suicide attempt and now collecting disability benefits, I feel like even though I am still physically here, something inside of me has died. I have always been able to hold down a full time job to support myself. I now feel like a complete and utter failure having to rely on a government paycheck for being mentally ill. I do not seem to enjoy anything in life anymore and it feels as though I am completely numb. I actually don't know the person I have become because I have allowed myself to be defined by what has happened me.
My mother and I have spoken since our argument, but she continues to be very verbally abusive. I always hang up the phone feeling horrible and worthless. I have decided that it is in my best interest to be completely estranged from my mother and I have not seen or spoken with my sister for 12 years.
I feel so very sad and lonely all the time. This has affected the very core of who I am. I cannot seem to come to terms with what has happened so that I can move forward with my life. I have tried counseling, but have not found a counselor that I am compatible with and it is rather expensive.
Any suggestions of how are where to find help would be appreciated. I would like to start feeling better and find myself again. And, possibly go back to work part-time.
Thank you so much for your answers in advance!!Health Question & Answer
Answers:
Wow, Paige, this is a tough sitch and I feel your pain. I too have my share of family problems. My father was very controlling & could be quite abusive & intimidating and our relationship ended with his death, unreconciled. I was too angry at him that I could not forgive him & I regret that to this day. I too have a sister I can't stand & won't ever talk to again. She's really abused my trust so many times & threw me under the bus to my mother for the last time. There's a big long story to that one but I just don't consider myself close to her. I too am about 1500 miles from my mother & I keep in contact with her. Our relationship is alot better but I haven't seen in her a couple years due to my financial constraints and I often feel powerless to help her. My father abused her pretty badly when I was a child but she stayed with him to the end & is now in a better relationship with a decent fella. My brother used to have sexual feelings toward me (yeah, pretty creepy & he's got a few screws missing) so we're not close either, plus he's also 1500 miles away. I, like you, feel pretty estranged from my family and that alone is head job on you. Lots of people have close family relationships & can't understand or worse judge you for abandoning your family when they never encountered the kind of abuse you did. You internalize that sense of failure and think it will forever mark you. All I can say is you gotta find a way to make peace with your past & work with a therapist or whoever to let it go. Maybe no medication is working because medication can't solve this problem.? I would suggest that you start doing new things, look for a job, see if you can get in more exercising and in essence re-create the life you want via new routines. The more you are out & about, the better you will feel about yourself & your life plus if you found a good therapist or life coach, maybe they can help you make better progress in understanding & releasing the past. I'm sure you've had your share of them so maybe some other kind of counsellor, maybe spiritual, will work better.? I had a 2nd sister who was bipolar & committed suicide so I can really appreciate how hard it can be for you at times. All I can say is you gotta fight it & try to change the channel in your life. Maybe some kind of church or spiritual practice will help you out too.? If you don't mind I'll pray for you tonight to find peace. Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to. I know what you're going thru & you're not alone.
Love, the Zee-sterHealth Question & Answer
Love, the Zee-sterHealth Question & Answer
well...i've never met my father and my mom is the best, so i can't help you there but i can tell you that maybe your life is better w/o those ppl.i don't regret not having my father because he only helped bring me into this world and i'm not about to stop living my life because he chose not to care about me.maybe you should just find someone willing to love you and is w illing tobe there for dispite your problems.the one person i go to is my b/f because he listens.also, try doing something you always enjoyed to make you happy and don't let those few ppl effect you because your the one missing out on everything the world has to offer.cause everyday you let pass by w/ regret is a day you'll never get back and though i hate this saying i'm going to say it because it is so true... tomorrow is not promised.never let someone stop you from living your life.and job wise idk where to tell you to go but maybe you could find some where to help other ppl w/ problems similar to yours.and place to find help is the bible(if your christian i'm not going to put my religious beliefs on you).i hope this helped and please don't commit suicide because they are so not worth it.PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE WITH FIVE CHERRIES ON TOP DON'T DO THAT EVER NEVER AGAIN!!!!Health Question & Answer