Should I listen to my therapist and do this per her suggestion?!


Question: Should I listen to my therapist and do this per her suggestion.?
My friend's husband has been a little too friendly with him. He used to drop by unannounced just to check up on me, but I thought that was crossing the line so I made him stop after 2 such visits (I was depressed and he wanted to see how I was doing, but still!!).

I told him about this class I was enrolled in and said I would be taking it again this year. Well, wouldn't you know it, he has enrolled too and was there at our first meeting. This made me really angry. I am getting totally annoyed by him, don't want to bring it up to his wife so no problems will arise or for her to take it out on me or whatever. I just don't want to cause or be involved in marital problems especially with a friend. It would not be worth the risk of losing her friendship because I have absolutely 100% no intentions of getting together with her husband - I am harmless, but yes, he is chasing me it feels like but it can be seen as innocent.

Anyways, I am really angry he's in my class and wish he'd find his own class or hobbies. The day after our class, he emailed me a long email commenting on various things discussed in the class, to start a conversation/relationshp outside of class based on the class. Ugh, no way do I want him to use the class to make more contact with me (I am quite younger than his wife, nice body and all that stuff which men his age seem to go ga ga over, but hey I am not a cheap person and instead of feeling flattered, I'm insulted by the attention he's giving me, as if I would reciprocate any of this nonsense).

So basically, I went fuming to my therapist about this to prevent myself spilling it to my friend or making any wrong moves. Her suggesting to email back "I don't want to discuss (the topic of our class) , or anything else with you."

I'm afraid that is too harsh considering I see him every week when I visit my friend and it might make ME look like a ***** and my friend might figure something happened for me to respond this coldly and might cut off ties with me. I just don't know if I should go that far.? I hate to turn into a ***** but my therapist thinks he's cornered me and I have no other choice if I want to keep boundaries and protect myself. It was actually a bit of a nightmare to get him to stop dropping by and again I had to send a mean email and that made him act mean towards me, avoid me and his wife was cold towards me for a while as well. Please help! I'm confused on how to handle this!Health Question & Answer


Answers:
I think you're right. Something is wrong here. He is flirting and he shouldn't be doing that. He's married. You are giving him too much information. He knows too much and he's treating it as if you have opened the door to this kind of behavior.
I think he is behaving obsessively. You are an obsession for him. That is what's creeping you out. His persistence is not being reciprocated, except in your willingness to be friendly. I think he may be trapping you in a corner, having to be nice because of your girlfriend. He is zooming in on you and your social group. It is definitely inappropriate.
If you want to cut off ties with him, you will have to stop going to your girlfriend's house. You may have to stop taking the class, if he's going to be there. The more you tolerate him, the more he is becoming attached. He may just like your company, or he may be having sexual fantasies about you. He is invading your space to get closer.
I suspect this is a master manipulator. While you may have written an angry letter to get rid of him, the story he told his wife about what you said may be quite another story. All he had to do was delete it, and make up a lie about your attraction to him. What did he say to her.? If there is no proof, and if you deleted his letter to you, you can't prove how attached or how inappropriate he behavior is. He could be depicting you as the pursuer and himself as the offended friend.
If you have no way of proving that there is a problem, you will not convince your friend to control her husband. She would have to choose between him or you. He has more control over her. She may be more vulnerable to his ways of making himself appear without fault. He is enjoying the duplicity of appearing friendly, while it is obvious he is getting close for some untoward purpose and you don't like it. He is not cooperating with your intentions. There is no confusion about that.
I don't like it at all. Listen to your gut. You are too friendly, too nice and too available. Tell your therapist about this email. Show it, talk about it and plan a way to get away.
I think it is about time to give him the silent treatment. When he comes around, walk away. Notice I didn't say be mean or rude. He will talk to his wife and disparage you until you come back. Could he interpret this as a sort of apology.? Don't reason with him. He is not responding appropriately and I think you have more than likely given enough signals to help him have a clear understading of your intentions. He is not respecting that. He has a hidden agenda. He is doing everything to pursue it whether you like it or not.
You are expecting him to stop and behave himself. When are you going to stop doing that.? I'm upset and he creeps me out and I've never met the guy. I have had my share of obsessive creepy guys. They peek in my windows, they let the phone ring for 8 minutes without someone answering. They have come around tapping on my window late at night. This sounds too much like another one.
Be careful, honey. I don't want you to get hurt. My alarm bells are going off. I can't say enough that you don't need this guy or anything he has to offer. Ask your girlfriend to come to your house, stay away from him and don't let him find you alone. Find another friend if you have to, but do it.Health Question & Answer

I think your instincts are correct - there are nicer ways to say it without being unclear. Explain that you don't feel it is appropriate to continue the relationship, it's making you uncomfortable, and you'll just see him when you're together as a group with the other spouses. But don't respond to any protest from him. Stand your ground and defend your boundaries!!Health Question & Answer

well honestly, it sounds like you are a little too paranoid about his behavior, maybe because you are used to it from other men.? i mean, do you REALLY think he would enroll and pay for a college class just to be next to you.?.? the best way to get things out in the open is to talk to him face to face about it, and tell him that you have no intentions of being more than casual acquaintances. you shouldnt always assume that someone is trying to get with you, or you will burn a lot of bridges. but i think your therapist made a good suggestion - you need to clearly tell him that you dont not wish to speak with him outside of class. doesnt make you a bi*ch, it makes you someone who makes her wishes known. Health Question & Answer



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