Am I in the wrong? What would you do? Please take the time to read!?!
Question: Am I in the wrong.? What would you do.? Please take the time to read!.?
My fiance & I have been together for 8 months now. We'd known each other for about a year and in that time we became really good friends. We decided to give it a go & it wasn't long before he proposed. A few months before he proposed I noticed he had been looking at porn sites and younger girls myspace's on MY computer (not real young but 18-25). I didn't say anything at first because I had told him in the beginning that I didn't mind him looking at porn or other girls. I'm not the jealous type & I don't mind porn in moderation. I let it roll off my back for a while, then started noticing it more frequently & it was while I was around, but I was sleeping. I thought maybe I wasn't giving him enough attention, so I tried every night to have sex with him but was turned down more times than none.
One night I tried again, to no surprise I was turned down. No big deal, I rolled over and tried to go to sleep. After laying there for 15 minutes I was still awake. Apparently he thought I was sleeping because he grabbed his phone looked up some porn and started masturbating right next to me. Yes it was hard to stomach but I did it. The next day I worked up enough nerve to say something to him. I told him I was fine with him looking at it but for my sake he shouldn't do it while I was around because it hurt my feelings. He said he was sorry & wouldn't do it again.
He stayed true to his word for about a week (as far as I know). Then I caught him doing it again. Not only that but I learned he has a panty fetish & had added a girl, in her panties, to his friends on myspace. Once again I confronted him about it & told him to take the trash off of his myspace becasue that was a big slap in the face to me. He got angry this time & stormed out the door at midnight & went for a 30 minute drive. When he came back he hugged me & said he was sorry & asked if I would forgive him. I did of course & we went to bed. The very next day we were at my house & he did some things on the computer then left to help a friend. Still being suspicious I looked at my computer history. Sure enough he had looked at another girl's myspace & she too was in her panties. I left her picture up with a note that said "I'm at a loss, I don't know what else to do here..." When he came back he immediatly went into the computer. He came out a few minutes later, pulled me over to him & just held me. I acted nonshalunt & let him hold me. After a little while he said "I'm sorry." I didn't say anything, then he said "That's not good enough is it.?" I shook my head & that was that.
Since then he hasn't looked at anything on my computer (I know for sure because he doesn't know how to check the history, let alone delete it). I'm not sure about his phone becasue he keeps it with him where ever he goes, which gives me suspicion anyway. A week or so ago I saw panties on the floor of his room...they weren't mine. I went to take a shower came out & the panties were gone. So when he went to take a shower I went snooping & found a drawer FULL of panties that I believe to be, more than one, of his ex's due to the size of them. My dumb a*s let it go! He recently got intenet on his computer, which gave me a bad feeling. He was online today while I took a nap. Later I looked at the history on his computer & saw that again, while I was sleepin on the couch 3 feet away from him, he looked at more porn.
He is also a recovering drug addict. He has been clean for two years now. I'm afraid he has replaced one addiction with another. I'm also afriad if I push too hard he will stop this & resort back to drugs.
This is not a question of should I marry him or not. I know I should, I know I love him & would gladly spare my life to save his. Thats why I need advice on what to do about his addiction to porn & the panties. He is a wonderful guy please don't get me wrong! I love him with all of my heart & I know he loves me! I believe we can work through anything, I just need to know how to get things on the right track. My question is am I in the wrong for spying like this.? Even so, what do I do now that I know what all is going on behind my back.? ...Any advice would be great! SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLEASE!Health Question & Answer
One night I tried again, to no surprise I was turned down. No big deal, I rolled over and tried to go to sleep. After laying there for 15 minutes I was still awake. Apparently he thought I was sleeping because he grabbed his phone looked up some porn and started masturbating right next to me. Yes it was hard to stomach but I did it. The next day I worked up enough nerve to say something to him. I told him I was fine with him looking at it but for my sake he shouldn't do it while I was around because it hurt my feelings. He said he was sorry & wouldn't do it again.
He stayed true to his word for about a week (as far as I know). Then I caught him doing it again. Not only that but I learned he has a panty fetish & had added a girl, in her panties, to his friends on myspace. Once again I confronted him about it & told him to take the trash off of his myspace becasue that was a big slap in the face to me. He got angry this time & stormed out the door at midnight & went for a 30 minute drive. When he came back he hugged me & said he was sorry & asked if I would forgive him. I did of course & we went to bed. The very next day we were at my house & he did some things on the computer then left to help a friend. Still being suspicious I looked at my computer history. Sure enough he had looked at another girl's myspace & she too was in her panties. I left her picture up with a note that said "I'm at a loss, I don't know what else to do here..." When he came back he immediatly went into the computer. He came out a few minutes later, pulled me over to him & just held me. I acted nonshalunt & let him hold me. After a little while he said "I'm sorry." I didn't say anything, then he said "That's not good enough is it.?" I shook my head & that was that.
Since then he hasn't looked at anything on my computer (I know for sure because he doesn't know how to check the history, let alone delete it). I'm not sure about his phone becasue he keeps it with him where ever he goes, which gives me suspicion anyway. A week or so ago I saw panties on the floor of his room...they weren't mine. I went to take a shower came out & the panties were gone. So when he went to take a shower I went snooping & found a drawer FULL of panties that I believe to be, more than one, of his ex's due to the size of them. My dumb a*s let it go! He recently got intenet on his computer, which gave me a bad feeling. He was online today while I took a nap. Later I looked at the history on his computer & saw that again, while I was sleepin on the couch 3 feet away from him, he looked at more porn.
He is also a recovering drug addict. He has been clean for two years now. I'm afraid he has replaced one addiction with another. I'm also afriad if I push too hard he will stop this & resort back to drugs.
This is not a question of should I marry him or not. I know I should, I know I love him & would gladly spare my life to save his. Thats why I need advice on what to do about his addiction to porn & the panties. He is a wonderful guy please don't get me wrong! I love him with all of my heart & I know he loves me! I believe we can work through anything, I just need to know how to get things on the right track. My question is am I in the wrong for spying like this.? Even so, what do I do now that I know what all is going on behind my back.? ...Any advice would be great! SERIOUS ANSWERS ONLY PLEASE!Health Question & Answer
Answers:
If he relapsed and was taking drugs again, what would you do.? Would you stay because he's a great guy when he isn't doing drugs.? Just substitute drugs for porn and panties and you'll see he has an addiction. Perhaps having a panty fetish is enough for him, but like any addict, he'll eventually need more and more to satisfy him. Where that leads is scary to consider.
Have you been to Al-anon.? You enable him by sticking around and letting him get away with his actions. What you need to acknowledge is that his lack of control over his addiction is already creating problems in your relationship. In order to make your relationship work, he has to understand that he has another addiction and needs to go to Sex Anonymous. "Pushing him" won't make him go back to using drugs, by the way. An addict will either keep clean or not; you don't have the power to make him take drugs again. Only he does. That's why it's "Day by Day", "Take it Easy", and all that.
Most addicts have a substitute addiction; coffee and cigarettes. In his case, he has substituted porn and panties for drugs.
Loving someone who is an addictive personality requires that you recognize when his addict is doing the talking. The addict will say whatever you want to hear, for as long as you will listen to it, and then will go back to his addiction.
If you love him as much as you say you do, first of all, don't get married until he takes responsibility for his actions and starts working a program. If you don't speak directly to him about the situation, he'll just keep finding ways to do what he wants. For your own best interest, it may be essential to break it off until you have proof that he is working his steps, that he is controlling his addictions, and for you to take the additional step and educate yourself about addictive behavior and enabling. If you love each other enough, and you both want to work it out, then both of you learning how to recognize and deal with the addict can only enhance your relationship.
Should you feel bad for sneaking.? No, he's not exactly hiding the evidence. It didn't take much to find all those panties or the pictures on his computer. You are simply becoming aware of his patterns.
Now that you know that he is a sex addict, a drug addict in recovery, you need to call Sex Anonymous and find someone to talk to about what you can do for yourself first(to better understand all the options) and then confront him, armed with the SA meeting schedule and literature. If there isn't an SA where you are, going to AA and Al-anon should work fine, too; instead of alcohol, simply think panties and porn.
I wish you both luck. Addiction is a tough disease to deal with for the addict and those who love him. While an addiction is active, it's very hard to see if the addict has any room in his life to love anyone else. It's addiction first, the rest of the world second.Health Question & Answer
Have you been to Al-anon.? You enable him by sticking around and letting him get away with his actions. What you need to acknowledge is that his lack of control over his addiction is already creating problems in your relationship. In order to make your relationship work, he has to understand that he has another addiction and needs to go to Sex Anonymous. "Pushing him" won't make him go back to using drugs, by the way. An addict will either keep clean or not; you don't have the power to make him take drugs again. Only he does. That's why it's "Day by Day", "Take it Easy", and all that.
Most addicts have a substitute addiction; coffee and cigarettes. In his case, he has substituted porn and panties for drugs.
Loving someone who is an addictive personality requires that you recognize when his addict is doing the talking. The addict will say whatever you want to hear, for as long as you will listen to it, and then will go back to his addiction.
If you love him as much as you say you do, first of all, don't get married until he takes responsibility for his actions and starts working a program. If you don't speak directly to him about the situation, he'll just keep finding ways to do what he wants. For your own best interest, it may be essential to break it off until you have proof that he is working his steps, that he is controlling his addictions, and for you to take the additional step and educate yourself about addictive behavior and enabling. If you love each other enough, and you both want to work it out, then both of you learning how to recognize and deal with the addict can only enhance your relationship.
Should you feel bad for sneaking.? No, he's not exactly hiding the evidence. It didn't take much to find all those panties or the pictures on his computer. You are simply becoming aware of his patterns.
Now that you know that he is a sex addict, a drug addict in recovery, you need to call Sex Anonymous and find someone to talk to about what you can do for yourself first(to better understand all the options) and then confront him, armed with the SA meeting schedule and literature. If there isn't an SA where you are, going to AA and Al-anon should work fine, too; instead of alcohol, simply think panties and porn.
I wish you both luck. Addiction is a tough disease to deal with for the addict and those who love him. While an addiction is active, it's very hard to see if the addict has any room in his life to love anyone else. It's addiction first, the rest of the world second.Health Question & Answer
Before you can help him, he has to want help and help himself... just don't waste time on a lost cause if it gets out of hand.... Good LuckHealth Question & Answer
I would have a serious long talk with him. Find out if HE thinks he really has a problem. Does he think and understand that he might have replaced his addiction.? Does he understand that he's straining your guys relationship becuase of it.?
I dont think you are in the wrong at all, you have every right to know if hes really been putting in an effort to stop behavior that upsets you.
I wouldnt really be calling it spying, youre just trying to help him as well as yourself.
good luck.Health Question & Answer
I dont think you are in the wrong at all, you have every right to know if hes really been putting in an effort to stop behavior that upsets you.
I wouldnt really be calling it spying, youre just trying to help him as well as yourself.
good luck.Health Question & Answer