Brother is SUPER alcoholic, need advice on how to handle his bottoming out and a!
Question:
My 45 yr old brother has been an alcoholic for MANY years, and I have always seen him through his MANY episodes of working for short periods, and then spending all his money on booze! He has had no home for last 3 yrs or more, as he stayed with my family many times. He has been through about 5-6 rehab programs, none of which have worked. He left our home to work offshore on an oil rig, working 80 hrs./week, clearing only $500/week after deductions. Since he has no home, he has to spend majority of his $$ on expensive hotels in Lafayette. He recently had good opportunity to double his salary, but instead began drinking b4 his interview, despite me and other family members pleading him NOT TO.
Now he has called me, totally out of $$, nowhere to stay, wants me to send him $$. My heart is broken, stomach in knots as I am finally trying to NOT enable him. However, I can't stop feeling bad bout him being totally w/out $ and no place to stay; wanted me to send $75 for one night. HELP!!
Answers:
Your brother need to get into a longer program for him to get on the road to recovery. He also needs to establish a support system other than his family/friends once he returns to society. The AA program is a great way to get this support.he has to get a sponsor who is in the program and been in his shoes and made it to a life of sobriety.its like peer counselling. Also YOU can go to meetings for AL anon.which helps those affected by someones addiction to recover and learn not to enable the person anymore(tough love). If you live in Canada, there are some great programs and places that you both can go to get the recovery you need.one is the Camillus Centre in Elliot Lake Ontario, Canada. It offers all types of excellent programs for addiction and family recovery. Alcoholism is a disease.it can be treated and controlled, and it affects not only the person drinking.but all those around them. Do not continue to fund your brothers habit.he has to finally realize his distructive habit and as hard as it seems.get out there and take care of himself. We can only ask a person to be sober.it is ultimately their choice to be, and reamin that way.we have to let them know we don't approve and can't have this in our life.that they need to take conrol of their own destiny. It is hard.go to Al anon and you will get soooo much support form others who have been there, done that. Good luck.hang in there.take one day at a time!
Other Answers:
next time he calls you, you just say "i'm sorry. do i know you? .. well, anyhow, i dont speak english."
The problem with an alcoholic is that they are always finding people to bail them out! Don't! Let him take the consequences for whatever behavior he committed. The Criminal Justice System has services--leave him in jail!! Taking responsibility is the first step in recovery! You will become sicker than your brother if you keep bailing him out.
It sounds like he's going to keep doing this as long as you keep supporting him. I mean, if he can get money from you, why should he clean up and work for it?
I know he's your brother, but this method isn't helping him. Maybe you need to put your foot down and tell him that you are not willing to support him on his downwards spiral.
Good luck. I hope he gets better soon.
You need to stop being an enabler !! He is grown and I know for a fact that there are waaayyyy cheaper motels in Lafayette for him to stay not to mention that there are shelters that he can stay in if he has not money.
You need to contact AA and go to one of their meetings so that you can learn to not feel guilty about the decisions that HE is making. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR.
My best wishes to you for this will be a tough love but you and your family will make it through and so will he.
I would say, no. Tell him you'll pay for him to check into rehab, but not for anything else. My father went into a month-long program and he stayed dry after he realized how low he'd sunk while under the influence. Your brother needs to wake up and realize what he's doing, and on the street or in jail would be a shocking enough place for him to do so.
I'm really sorry you're in that position. Maybe you can give him the money for just that one night, and if he wants anymore, just let him know that you love him very much, but you can't help him anymore. Good luck.
You can't help someone who will not help themselves. I have a relitave who is the same way. I allowed him to stay in my home in a spare room, the stipulation was that he would attend AA meetings and not drink. He got a job and did great while he was here. He has since started drinking and smoking pot again. You may want to try somthing similar, perhapse it will work for your brother.
Well, after living the past 19 years in households with alcoholics, my father, my stepfather, and now my grandfather, I have learned a lot about the disease. As far as your brother going to rehab and it not working- It will not ever work, unless he truly wants to recover. Secondly, you cannot keep playing the role as the caretaker in your relationship. Catering to him will only make it worse. You need to let him go, as hard as it is, until he can see that he has to take care of himself on his own. Right now, he knows that there will always be someone there to save him. Hope this advice helps a little. I know exactly where you are coming from.
Don't bail him out. He needs to sober up and learn that he can't keeping living his life like this. He needs intervention. You are it! The best way to show him you love and care about him is to help him. He needs to seek counseling for this addiction. You go w/ him for support. Get in touch w/ a a counselor and find out through them another rehab program. There's all kinds of therapies that could even help him, but you would have to see a Psychologist for that. Which might even be better. There's always a reason and a root cause for the addiction. See about having a Psychologist see him in jail. He's not safe being on the streets b/c he could hurt someone and even himself. Talk about having him committed to an institution for awhile to see if that would help. Bottom line talk w/ a Psychologist about seeing him in jail discuss treatment and therapy options. Find out the root cause and get it reverse. Alcoholism is a learned behavior and is something is learned it can be reversed. DO NOT BAIL HIM OUT. He needs brotherly love and support along w/ intervention be just that. Next, get down on your knees and pray to the Heavenly Father himself. God can give you the strength you need to help your brother. Your brother needs to ask for the strength to conquer his addiction. Good Luck! Praying for you, brother and family.
You are not helping him.help is showing a person how to be a man. how to get on with your life. what is he doing with money? spending it on booze.
Just say no. He will smarten up, thank-you when he sobers up. If he doesn't then foolish you for contributing to a person's problems.
dont give money, buy him antibuse
I know it's really hard on you not to help him out but it is important NOT TO ENABLE HIM. The most difficult thing about alcoholics is that they need to hit bottom until they recover. One thing that might help you is a support group. I'm not talking about AA. See if you can find an Adult Children of Alcoholic group in your area. You can look them up on the internet or sometimes the AA meetings in your area will have information on them. It's a really good program.
You did the right thing. I think they call it tough love. But, as long as you and your family play into his bad habits, you are not helping him. It doesn't get any easier on the family, but he will bleed you as long as he can.
The toughest thing is seeing a loved one subcomb to an addiction. DO NOT SEND MONEY! Yes, it breaks your heart, but the only way is to stop enabling him. An addict will bring everyone down with him/her. You cannot save him, an addict must want it bad enough to stop on his/her own, they must hit bottom. contact a crisis hotline and ask about information, resources on setting up a professionally mediated "intervention" with family and friends. The more money you send, the longer his addiction will continue.
P.S. be prepared for "nothing you do to work", only he can save himself. Good luck.
leave him be cruel to be kind the shock of being in deep trouble may stop him from carrying on his behaviour it may be hard but you have to be strong, he may hate you at fisrt but will eventually thank you
u did the rigth thing by not giving him any money n it is good for him to have support during this time in his life
You need a stronger resolve than you have displayed in the past.
Yes, he's your brother but you are NOT his keeper.
He is manipulating you at ever twist and turn and you succumb to his demands.
Go and get professional advice yourself because it sounds like he is turning you into an emotional and physical wreck.
Better to be cruel than sorry. Just say no more to your brother. Tell him you are not going to continue bailing him out whenever he spends all his money on booze.
Good luck to you.
Answers: